Hien Nguyen
I would like to tell you my testimony with a story if that's okay. When I was younger, I knew a 9-year-old kid named Tommy. This kid was full of joy, always wanting to have a good time, and loved meeting new people. He was the type of kid that could become anyone's best friend.
### The Defiling of Innocence
Tommy grew up in a strict, traditional Catholic home in downtown Toronto and lived in a townhouse shared by two families. His family lived on the main floor, and the other family lived upstairs. The upstairs neighbor had a son who was in high school, and Tommy looked up to him as a role model. Trust was built between the two, but one day, this role model started to make strange requests, which eventually led to inappropriate requests. At the time, Tommy was an innocent child who didn't know anything about these requests. All he knew was to have fun, be a child, and think about whatever nine-year-olds think about. This went on for months until the neighbor moved away, leaving Tommy alone to question himself about the actions he had taken. He was left completely in the dark.
### The Fall
This is where Tommy’s life started rolling downhill. He felt shame at church and at home, which led him to close himself off to a lot of people, including his own family and faith. Then he began to hear voices telling him that no one would ever accept him or love him and that he wasn't good enough. He didn't know until later on in his life that this was anxiety. Most Asian family homes don't really believe in mental illness, so he was left to battle something he was unaware of. Imagine going into battle and not knowing who the enemy is. That’s what it felt like for him, constantly. As he got older and was now in high school, he started to prove these voices wrong by making friends (with the wrong crowd, of course). This led him to drown out the voices with alcohol. When that did not work, he turned to drugs to suppress the voices and the memory of the time when he was molested. Eventually, that led to living a sexual life sleeping with men. Tommy continued to do all this throughout his teenage years and his twenties, living a life of fleeing and attempting to prove to these voices that he could be loved. He sought encouragement from the wrong people until he collapsed from exhaustion and couldn’t endure it anymore. The enemy caught up, took hold, and dragged him into a gruesome depression. Tommy’s hope for life was lost. He surrendered himself to these voices and accepted their truth.
### The Journey of Faith and Redemption
A few months later, Christian and Tommy were driving back from the grocery store. As they arrived outside Tommy’s place, Christian wanted to talk. He confessed to Tommy that his worldview was wrong and that Jesus is the Way, the Truth, and the Life, and how he had given his life to Jesus Christ. Christian talked for three hours, which seemed like forever, and all Tommy did was listen. He didn’t know what to say except for, “You’re my best friend, and I love you no matter what your beliefs are.” What’s interesting is that this opened a whole new door for Tommy. He knew who Jesus was, but he had never really known him. He started to ask questions about Jesus, and Christian would answer with the best of his knowledge. Two months later, Christian assisted Tommy in giving his life to Jesus Christ. Tommy had no idea what he was getting himself into. He figured he had nothing left to lose, so he decided to give Jesus another shot with **ZERO** expectations, stepping into faith. Little did he know, his life started to change for good.
### The Shepherd's Voice
Tommy started to hear another voice in his head, but this voice was completely different from all the other voices. It was calming and encouraging. He wouldn't find out till later on that it was the voice of Jesus. Every time these other voices would arise and give him anxiety, Jesus' voice would be there too, telling Tommy the truth that he is loved and that his past, society, or these random voices do not define who he is. You see, when Tommy was trying to redirect his focus somewhere else, it didn’t work because he didn’t have Jesus to focus on, but now he does. Tommy still struggled with anxiety, but Jesus would always be there by his side to help him. Whenever he would be in his darkest moments, he would receive visions of Jesus right there willingly giving him joy and delivering him from them.
### The Sacrifice and the Resurrection
One day during worship at his church, Tommy heard a voice that said, "You must kill Tommy!" It was loud, like someone was shouting it in his ear. So, he opened his eyes to get a glimpse if someone had said it, only to realize everyone was worshipping. He thought he heard wrong, so he shut his eyes and continued to sing songs of praise. Then he heard it again, "You must kill Tommy!"
In shock, he didn’t know what to do but to call out to Jesus and ask, "Lord, who is telling me to do this?"
The voice replied, "Tommy is a fabrication of the devil. I knitted Hien together, and he is wonderfully made by my own hands. Hien is suffocating, wanting to be released. I cannot instruct Tommy because he is not made in my image. Hien has so much more to learn, and he is eager. My plans are for Hien, not Tommy."
In that moment, Tommy started to sob and went outside. He borrowed a lighter and found an old credit card of no use with the name Tommy on it. He lit the fire and put the card to it and said, "Lord, is this what you want? Then let your will be done." The card then burst into flames. Tommy was no more. That was the moment where Tommy truly died to himself, gave his life to Jesus, and lived the way God had designed him, with the name Hien. To know who he was in the eyes of Jesus was necessary for what follows next.
### The Impossible Task
The next task Jesus gave Hien was the most challenging one, but He gave him months of preparation for it. He told him on the day of his mom's birthday, he was to reveal to her everything that happened in his life. Hien felt uneasy about this. Knowing what he was feeling, Jesus responded with "Leave your mom to me. Whatever happens or how she reacts, I will take care of it."
Now it was Hien’s choice to do this assignment. How he chose to respond would affect his journey moving forward. He was frightened! He feared her reaction and rejection. The voices got louder, telling him not to do it. You could hear the fear in the voices, saying anything possible to not let him confess to his mother. Rather than letting the voices dominate his thoughts, he kept his focus on Jesus’ promise, “Leave your mom to me. Whatever happens or how she reacts, I will take care of it.”
Hien wanted to be obedient; Jesus had helped him greatly, and from what he’s read in the gospel, Jesus wants to give us life. And the only way to have life is to follow him and to listen to his instructions. His anxiety became more severe every day coming up to his mom’s birthday. He really didn’t want to do it and was fortunate to have his friends Christian and Karina there to encourage him and pray for him in the other room. He remembered praying before the call, hoping that she wouldn’t answer. He was wrong; she answered right away. It was an emotional phone call. He told her everything. Him being molested, the drugs, the gay life, the anxiety, depression and how he gave his life to Jesus… it was a lot to drop on his mother in a phone call, especially on the day before her birthday [in fact, it was only a few hours before midnight], he told her everything. She responded with “The past is in the past. You have Jesus now, so let's look towards the future.” He sobbed even harder! He had never wept like this before. It was her forgiving him and letting him know that none of that matters anymore. Jesus was right; He did take care of her before the conversation, preparing her heart to hear his testimony and to comfort her and help her process all the information afterwards.
After the phone call, he felt at peace, a feeling he hasn’t felt in a long time. It was like he was nine years old again, before all the evil events happened, before the voices appeared. This peace continued on for days, weeks, and now years. Jesus delivered him from anxiety for good! To this day, those voices are gone, except for the voice of his Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ.
### The Conclusion
You see, Jesus knows us better than we know ourselves. He knew that in order for Hien to be set free, he needed to find the source of his problem and face it. The bad seed that was planted in Hien when he was young has grown a lot of roots, so cutting the tree down wouldn’t do; it would just grow back. The roots had to be yanked out—the source of his anxiety—to give room for the new seed, the seed of Christ, to grow. He was running away from his problems and isolating himself from the people around him. The one person who loved him the most, besides Jesus, was his mother. Hien needed to let her in too; he had to be honest with her. His mom also represents God in some ways. She is a parent, just like God is our Father. She wanted him to come to her with all his problems, just as God the Father wants us to come to Him. She was willing to listen and quick to forgive as long as he was open about who he truly was. Just like God, who is quick to forgive as long as we are honest and repent. If Hien wasn’t able to be honest with her, how is he able to be honest with God?
Hien still has other obstacles and challenges in his life. But instead of figuring it out on his own, he put his trust in Jesus. And because of what Jesus did on the cross, his sins are forgiven, and he has been washed clean because of God’s grace. Hien has been sober since 2021, with no desire to do drugs or drink. He replaces it with Bible study with his house group every Tuesday night since 2020, who have now become his family. He stopped running away from his problems and faced them head-on with Christ leading the way, while encouraging others to face their problems and build their relationship with Jesus. He stopped his homosexual lifestyle and only seeks a relationship with Jesus. Jesus told him once, “I am the man you've been looking for your entire life."
I’m going to leave you with one of my favourite bible verses:
> But now you have been united with Christ Jesus. Once you were far away from God, But you have been brought near to him through the blood of Jesus Christ. Ephesians 2:13 NLT
Because of Jesus, we can be in the Father's presence again, with no shame or fear. We can now be in the presence of love, joy and peace.
10 min read
Josiah Koppanyi
I grew up Christian. I always wanted to do the right thing. I was in church and serving in extra- church activities. I was going to school full time at the University of Winnipeg to become a teacher. The only thing is... I hated school. What I really wanted was to be an artist, but I knew this was too impractical so I stuck with the teacher path, hoping I could still do art at least in my spare time and have summers off to paint. I started to get tired. I was overextending myself with going to school and working as a server in banquets, plus all the extra church stuff. To cope with all of the stress I would take A.D.D medication called Concerta. I would take Concerta whenever I faced anything daunting like school work, or computer work, that I felt I couldn't handle on my own. In 2015 my mother came into a lot of money; her business started to blossom. We grew up poor, so my mom wanted to do something for me and my brothers. She gave each of us a lot of money. Up to this point I was always asking myself “What is the right thing to do?” but this money made me stop and ask myself “What do I want?” I stepped back and took a look at my life: I didn't want to be a teacher; I wanted to paint and be an artist. Early in 2016 I bought a house with the money and turned it into a rental property. I thought if art wasn't doing well or if I hit a rough month then I would live off of the rent income from the house. In September of 2016, with the rental property I acquired, I felt secure enough to follow my dream and dropped out of university. I really felt like I was free to follow the question; “What do I want to do?” It was a very exciting time in my life.
My art career started to pick up off the ground. My first art show at 618 Arlington was the most successful art show I have ever had; I sold 16 paintings in the course of 2 days. I really felt like this wasn't just a pipe dream; it could really work! I had 2 pop up shops in 1 year. During that time I met a lot of people and made a lot of good connections in the creative community. When I was in the pop-up shop on Graham Ave by the Bay, I got commissioned to make an 8’x4’ detailed city scape. It could be anything I wanted, but it had to be done in one month. I felt like I wanted to do my best work, so I took a lot of Concerta. Concerta is an ADD hyper-focus drug (really just slow-release cocaine or speed throughout the day). I was taking far more then the recommended amount in a day, and then smoking cigarettes to calm down from jacking myself up too much. I barely ate during that time. I had a strong ‘got-to-prove-myself-to-the-world’ complex, so I was very hard on myself. I pushed myself so hard that my arm started to feel heavy. I pushed through it till I finished the painting. Afterwards I noticed that whenever I tried to do computer work, or painting, or any fine motor work, my right arm would just feel really fatigued and really hurt the next day. I took a break from painting and went out dancing a lot. During this time I did a lot of drugs. For a while I was having a good time, but I had realized that I had a real issues with my right arm. I went to different doctors, but no one could tell me what was wrong. Painting at this point started to be a real strain. I still enjoyed seeing the colours come to life, but getting the colour on the canvas was very straining work. I would have to take long breaks in-between paintings to let my arm recover and in those breaks I’d do a lot of partying. I started making less and less money every month painting, and as a result I would dip more and more into the rental property.
I began to think it was normal to have 3 or 4 drinks every night. I was beginning to see myself as always smoking weed even till I was an old man. I would smoke weed every day. I would get bored easily. There were some days that I would have so many different substances just to feel ‘good’ throughout the day. I needed a constant buzz on something. It was worse if I was going to a party or an event, I’d have to do harder drugs so I’d at least enjoy myself at the party and have a good time, or a weird time. As long as it wasn't a normal time, I was ok. I was so bored with normal. After a year I started to get really tired of parties, and social night life events. All I really wanted was to just stay home. It was all the same, every night. No one would talk about anything meaningful.
There was one night when I made about 10 new friends. I had them on Facebook, but I had no memory of the night, or the people I met. The next night they came up to me like they knew me, but I had no idea who they were. Around that same time I lost my best friend that I had throughout childhood because it was too painful for him to see me destroying myself.
I ran out of money. The rental property at this point was doing really poorly. My good tenants moved out and I had just approved a bunch of new people as tenants and didn't really look into their background. Some of them ended up being gang members, two of them from opposite gangs. One night they had a party at the house, and they all invited their friends. A gang fight broke out at the house and someone shot a gun at the opposite gang member. I was scared to go down to the house. At the time I was living at an apartment. I was afraid to look into my bank account, and would just go deeper into deficit every month. I began to eat really poorly, I lacked the motivation to cook, I just ate subway, or craft dinner, or pizza pops. This added to the loss of motivation with my brain just not thinking clearly.
During this time, my arm wasn't working properly so I couldn't paint to support myself, I had become addicted to substances, I was scared to look at my bank account, and the house that I thought would be a financial support to me, ended up being a financial burden. It was always in need of some repair and I didn't know what to do with the gang members in the house. In the summer of 2017, there was a bill that was overdue, my property tax would go into NSF every month when they tried to take it out. I tried to take care of that by meeting with them and requesting more time to pay the bills or set up something more manageable but it didn't work and I just ended up running into a wall with them. I hated government paperwork, computer forms, and those types of things. Whatever it was, it was my breaking point. I lost my composure right there in a parking lot. I tore my clothes, I pulled out my hair, I screamed. (I was 28 years old at the time). I walked home like that, clothes torn, tears streaming down my face. I saw some really beautiful flowers on my way home, but I was in no mood for nice flowers. I saw an old friend across the street that I used to go to church with, but I was in no mood to talk to any old friends. A bus passed by between us and he didn't see me. I got home and tried to call my dad but my dad didn't pick up. I tried to call my mom, but my mom didn't pick up. So I cried out loud to Jesus and said, “Why can’t I just talk to You like You’re a person? Why do You have to be some kind of abstract force? I’m hurting, I need someone!” I heard Him reply, using scripture. He said, ““Have I been with you this whole time and you still don't know Me?” I was in the beauty of the flowers, but you didn't want to look at the flowers, I was in your friend across the street, but you didn't want to come talk to Me. Why are you mad at Me?” And I thought about it, and I was mad at God. I felt incapable of running my life, everything I was trying to do I just felt like I was running into a wall. And the question I had in my heart was “God, why did you make me like this?” (incapable of running my own life). I knew that this question hurt God, and I felt it hurt Him. But He said, “Go ahead, write down your question, write it down.” And I tried to grip the pencil and write the question but my pencil fell to the ground, and I fell to the ground crying, I still tried to get off the ground to finish writing my question. Every letter I felt His pain. I’m not sure if I finished writing down the question, but then I heard Him say, “You know the truth, you know that you are fearfully and wonderfully made.” I collapsed on the ground crying again. In that moment I felt His arms come around me. I knew it was Jesus. He held me as I cried, and I released tears that I could only release if I was crying on the shoulder of someone. He answered my first question. Even though I asked it in anger, He came to me as a person. After I had finished crying, I felt Him say, “Okay son, let’s build you back up from here.”
Immediately I felt different. I felt happy and content with myself. I knew that He had become my Father in that moment. I wasn't alone anymore! That deep sense of longing and loneliness wasn't there anymore. I felt constantly comforted, and just ok with myself. I started to like who I was. Jesus showed me what to do and how to do it well so that it would stick, rather than before when I would try to do something and run into a wall.
With Jesus’ help I got control of the house again. I also got control of my life again! He gave me a dream about facing my fear of death, and in the dream I came face to face with a bear that could have killed me. Instead of running I stood my ground and accepted my fate of dying. Then in the dream the bear looked me in the eyes, then noticing that I wasn't afraid, just moved on. With that same courage, I went and faced the gang members in my rental property and told them to leave. I said, “Sorry, you guys can’t stay here any more. There is a 7-eleven down the street; you can go hang out there, but you cant stay here to hang out.” And they all left! Really respectfully! I was so shocked that it worked! They said “Sorry sir” and they all left! Just like that! They came back a few more times, but every time I went there and told them to leave, they would leave! Things weren't sand any more; the things I did to improve my life actually worked! It’s like Jesus became my foundation and I was no longer building my life on shifting sand, but the things I built would stick around! And I could build off of them! Because Jesus was the solid ground I needed to build on!
Jesus helped me to evict all the bad tenants, and clean up and fix the house. Since my life was also in real disrepair and needing solid ground, (my life ran a similar path to my rental house), a really good friend took over my affairs as property manager at the house, and I left my apartment to live in my mom’s basement. This allowed me to heal in other areas of my life, like getting off of drugs, starting to eat well again, and to start going to church again. Eventually in 2021 Jesus helped me to sell that house. I am soooooo glad to be rid of it! Thank you Jesus!
Jesus also helped me become ambidextrous. Before it was too daunting of a task, but after I had that encounter with Jesus, and I knew He was with me, it wasn't this big hard thing, it was just a thing. He was the biggest thing in my life, and so every other thing wasn't a big thing, but just ‘a thing’, if that makes sense. Before I made Jesus the biggest thing in my life, lots of things were big and scary. But now nothing was big and scary or too unmanageable. Because of that, I was able to do “hard things” without Concerta, or weed, or any drug! Jesus set me free from all substances! I no longer smoke cigarettes or weed, I no longer drink alcohol, Jesus has set me free from all these things I thought I needed! He has created a real desire for beauty, and this really comes through in my artwork. I noticed after I gave my life to Jesus my artwork began to be more cheerful, and have more activity in it, I started to use more colour! It’s like Jesus just breathed into me His new fresh life, and out of that overflow of His love for me, I create art!
12 min read
